Losing my Mom to Cancer

I remember the call like it was yesterday.  I was working from my home office and the phone rang, the person on the other end of the phone told me that my Mom had 24hrs to live.  My heart sank and my world stopped.  My mind then went into panic mode as to what to do.  I packed my bag, called my husband and told him the news and I jumped in the car and headed down the 400.  Even though my Mom was only an hour away it felt like an eternity.  My mind was thinking of what I should say or do in this situation.  Mom was diagnosed in March with lung cancer and it was now June, we thought we had more time.  The guilt, the anger, the sadness consumed me all at once. A million questions went through my head as I drove down that highway.  There were so many unanswered questions, thoughts I wanted to say to my Mom, and now I might not get the chance.  She was only 57 years old, she has grandchildren that are just young, she won't see them grow up, they won't get to know her.  I was going to lose a big influence in my life.  It was overwhelming the thoughts.

Finally I got to the hospital, paid for parking and rushed in to meet the doctor.  My sister was there and my step dad, we went in and the doctor spoke to us.  She first apologized for misdiagnosing my Mother a year ago, they thought she had pneumonia.  My mind drifted for a moment and I remember having a conversation with my Mom saying that she should be better by now, that the medication should have cleared it up, that she should go back and have it checked out again.  The doctor continued to speak and said that the x-ray showed a snow flake design which was not common of cancer, but later when they did another x-ray they saw the cancer.  I remember thinking it's not much good to us now to be apologizing, "honestly what did she want us to say, our Mother was dying, thanks for the error!"  Back to reality, what happened can't be changed, our Mother is dying, when can we see her.

I went in the room to see my Mom, she looked frail.  I don't remember what I said or how I reacted I just remember standing there.  She didn't die that day thank goodness, she lived a whole month longer.  I stayed in that hospital for two weeks straight, day and night, and then every other day after that.  Afterall I did have a husband and three children at home who also needed me.  As for my work it would have to be put on hold, it was no longer a priority.  As the days went by I got the chance to talk with my Mom and have some of those unanswered questions answered.  As her condition worsened I had to help feed her and toilet her.  I remember the nurses telling us what to expect, they told us that her lungs were filling up and when they become full she will eventually stop breathing.  It is a slow death, like drowning I thought.  I remember panicking inside every time she would gasp for air, thinking is this it?

It wasn't until Mom passed away that I remember one conversation we had that plays over and over in my head.  It was one day that I had to help her get from the bed to the toilet.  She said to me "Cindy you shouldn't have to do this", my reply was "who else is going to do this Mom, and anyway, you were there for me when I needed you and now it is my turn".  She didn't want to be a burden, and she was losing her dignity is really what she was trying to tell me. 

The funeral was a blur, I just remember the room was full.  I remember speaking in front of the room and looking at my children as I was talking about my Mom.  People react differently to death, and go through many emotions.  The sadness, anger, blame, regrets, and memories flood into our minds.  Death has an emotional impact on a family and a financial impact as well.  It has been seven years now since my Mom's death, and I feel my mission in life is to share my story and to help others prepare for the unexpected.  It's not a happy story but it's a real story, and if I can help one person, one family then I know I have succeeded.